“You must own everything in your world. There is no one else to blame” Jocko Willink – Retired Navy Seal 

Read that quote again. There is no one else to blame. In his book Extreme Ownership, Jocko’ s message is to own everything in your life. It’s a very easy concept to understand but it can be difficult to implement, especially if you are used to blaming others for your problems. This is a honed skill that requires constant self-reflection. You need to change your mindset from “who can I blame?” to “what can I do to make this better?” or “what have I done to cause this?”

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you are the problem rather than pointing the finger at somebody else? Maybe your actions are causing problems in your life. And even if you are acting appropriately, it isn’t up to others to control your life. It’s up to you. Control what you can control.

When you are in a conflict or you are feeling overwhelmed or attacked, you need to stop and remind yourself that you are in control of your words and actions. It is so easy to blame the other person in the conflict, but it doesn’t change the fact that the conflict is happening. Maybe you haven’t explained your perspective properly. Maybe you haven’t listened to their perspective and you don’t understand the problem completely.

When you constantly place the blame on everybody else, it is impossible to grow from the negative experience or conflict. It also completely takes the control out of your hands and puts it into somebody else’s. If I’m mad that the kids are running around screaming and I want to do some writing, should I be mad at the kids? My spouse? Or should I take ownership of the situation and recognize that I could have woke up early to write or I can do it after the kids go to bed. It’s not their fault. It’s mine.”

While I am no relationship expert, this works very well when you are in a conflict with your spouse. The majority of disagreements that couples have is that the other person does not or is unwilling to take any blame or see their perspective. When you aren’t feeling heard, it is very difficult to treat the other person with kindness or meet them halfway. But if you find yourself in the middle of a conflict, pause, take a moment and think about what you have done to create this situation and what you need to do to take accountability for your side. Doesn’t that sound way more effective than stubbornly and passive aggressively maintaining that the other person is 100% the problem? I’m not saying to not stand up for what you believe in if you believe you are right. There is a way to effectively communicate your perspective while also listening and attempting to understand the other person’s views.

Don’t try to control others. Control what you can control. And you can control your own actions, your own behaviours and your own words. You can recognize that you aren’t perfect and that you can be wrong at times, even when you have the greatest intentions.

This concept works in every aspect of life. It works for parenting. When kids are acting up and are misbehaving, definitely deal with the behaviour. But maybe stop to ask yourself why they are behaving this way? Did you allow them to be on their tablet for too long? Did you allow them to stay up too late the night before? Have they eaten nutritious foods or junk all day? Did you come home from work in a bad mood and they are mimicking your mood?

This concept definitely carries over to work. If your boss gives you negative feedback, do you accept the critique and come up with a plan to improve? Or do you blame your coworker or a client? Your boss will respect you so much more if you accept the appropriate feedback, take accountability and come up with a plan to get better. I’m a supervisor and I can tell you that I loathe the blaming reaction to feedback. I know that the person won’t change and I know we will be sitting in my office in a month because the person hasn’t come up with a solution to the problem to change and improve. Why would they? It’s not their fault.

I will be completely honest with you. This concept is non-negotiable. You can be disciplined, habit and goal oriented, giving, selfless and hard working. But if you don’t take responsibility and accountability for everything in your life, you will NEVER win at life. You will always blame others and “they” were the reason why you never achieved greatness. I’ve come across many people in my life that have this mentality. They can never get ahead because it’s someone else’s fault. It is one of the least desirable personality traits. I’ll meet someone and if they have this mentality, I do everything in my power to get as far from them as possible. It sickens me. I’ll be real with you. It’s not your ex wife’s fault. It’s not your boss’s fault. It’s not your kid’s fault. It’s not your parent’s fault. It’s not the government’s fault. It’s not your spouse’s fault. It’s not your teacher’s fault. It’s not your friend’s fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault whether you succeed or whether you fail. Until you accept this, nothing else matters. Control what you can control. Blame yourself when you fail. Own everything in your life.

Excerpt From:
The Daily Mission
Jason Peters